I can’t sleep

CN: discussion of insomnia, hypersomnia, rumination; mention of suicide, self-harm

The Simpsons: Ep10 Season 4, Lisa's First Word
“Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.”

Why am I up so early?

I hate mornings.

Oh right, I woke up at 4:30 a.m. for absolutely no reason and now I can’t get back to sleep.

This week I’ve had three days of hypersomnia and now one night of insomnia.

For those who don’t know: hypersomnia is oversleeping, or sleeping more than your body needs. It seems counter-intuitive, but this can lead to increased fatigue. So if you’re somebody who usually sleeps about 6-8 hours a night, and then you suddenly start sleeping 12 hours a day, you’ll tend to feel more fatigue.

So, why can’t I get back to sleep?

I’m exhausted. I should be able to lie down and fall right back to sleep. But I can’t. My brain won’t let me. It has decided it’s time for me to ruminate on every mistake, failure and bad decision I made since I was 5 years old. On a loop.

So to keep myself from spiraling I try to distract myself. Other people are a pretty good distraction, so I get on Facebook and Twitter.

Me: Oh look, my friend has a picture of her new baby. How adorable.

Brain: I’ll never have a baby. I’ll never be as happy as she is.

Me: shut up, brain! Let me enjoy this!

Me: Oh look, my other friend just got a brand new awesome job!

Brain: Why don’t you have a job? You can’t even get hired for menial labor.

Me: *sigh*

And on and on it goes. At least with Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr, the rumination is broken up by funny memes and jokes my friends share. So there’s that.

Unwanted, intrusive thoughts are common with depression. At least tonight my rumination has nothing to do with suicide or any other type of self-harm. I see this as a victory. But I can’t dwell on that for too long in my current state or it will turn into that.

So for the next few hours I will be thinking about how worthless I am while desperately trying to distract my brain with TvTropes #depressionshenanigans

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