Changing Queer Identity

I’ve been working through a lot of shit about my past relationships lately. Being single seems to give me the time to do this thoroughly.

I recently had the chance to write out my entire sexual and dating history for a group of people who were completely non judgmental and very helpful.

One of the most common responses I got about it was “Do you realize how lesbian you sound?”

Most common response to my sexual/dating history
Most common response to my sexual/dating history

When I think back on my past relationships with men, I was almost never happy or satisfied with the sexual aspect of that relationship. Even with my ex-fiance, I can only remember a few times in our years long relationship that I had really satisfying or mind blowing sex. That’s a compliment though, because almost all my other male sexual partners have been incredibly unpleasant or underwhelming to me.

And then I get into the issue that even when I’m in a relationship with a man, I don’t seem to be interested in sex with them because I’m sexually attracted to them. I’ve definitely felt romantic attraction to men in the past. I felt love for at least one of them. That love plus my own high sex drive leads to my desire for sex — not necessarily because I’m sexually attracted to that particular man.

I also tend to use sex as a sort of maintenance ritual in relationships. Sex, when in a relationship, helps me feel emotionally close to my partner. So if I’m in a relationship with a man, I will still have sex, even if I’m not sexually attracted to them, in order to feel connected to them.

Finally, most of my relationships, or attempts at relationships, and sexual encounters with men have been as a response to something else in my life. My first kiss to a boy was a dare. I started a relationship with my first long term boyfriend in high school as a response to my personal fear that I was a lesbian (I had been getting *ahem* cozy with a couple of the girls on the band bus). Even my relationship with my ex-fiance started with a choice I had to make. One that was made easier by the fact that I wouldn’t have to come out to my family if I dated him.

Of course, I still get crushes on men occasionally, but I almost never fantasize about sex when I crush on men. I think about cuddling on the couch, or doing romantic things with them, but almost never sex. My crushes on men also tend to be on men who are unattainable: celebrities, fictional characters, married monogamous men.

All of this led me to the realization that I think I might be a biromantic lesbian, instead of bisexual. In any case, I’m definitely queer.


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