Tag Archive for personal

Astrid Lydia Johannsen | January 11, 2012
One comment

The Freedom of Out

July of this year will mark the ten-year anniversary of an experience which would alter my life forever. In 2002, I attended the Oregon Country Fair in Veneta, Oregon for the first time. I had no clue what to expect other than it would be filled with the unwashed hippies and sparkly-woo new-agers of Eugene. I was still living in Corvallis at the time, and was attending the Fair with the belly dance troupe I was in. While I had studied belly dance for about five years, I didn’t actually do any dancing in the troupe. Instead, I was one of the musicians, playing the flute. We had been invited to perform, not at the Fair itself, but at one of the campgrounds along the lake. It was a sensuous experience with the pungent aromas of food carts, incense, and body odor; the visual cavalcade of wild costumes, painted faces and breasts, and glow sticks splattered on shirts; and the aural ambiance of music and drumming and dance. It was overwhelming.

At the Fair itself, I lost track of my troupe almost immediately after walking through the front gate. So I was left on my own to meander the strangely dizzying figure-eight layout of the Fair. In my decidedly less-than-extravagant tanktop and shorts, I wandered in to behold the weirdness that was the Oregon Country Fair. I ate kebabs and drank mead. I occasionally stumbled into clouds of cigarette or pot smoke. I admired the topless women with their beautifully painted breasts. During the day, a wandering thought wafted into my mind like a wisp of lavender in a dense fog of nag champa: “I wish I had breasts so I could paint them and walk around topless.” The thought rattled me to the core, and I was temporarily immobilized. You see, dear readers, I am transgendered, and this was my moment of clarity. I had turned back once before, but this time it was for keeps. I had to transition or perish.

I had spent my entire life wrestling with the unbearable burden that I was a boy, but I desperately didn’t want to be one. I spent a lifetime in the closet about being trans, leading my friends and family to assume that I was probably gay but hadn’t worked up the courage to come out about it. It turned out I was gay, but in a different way than everyone initially figured. By the mid 1990s, I rediscovered who I wanted to be, but I was terrified to come out as transgendered. My only experience with transsexualism at that point in my life had come from daytime trash television, which was hardly the best way to learn about something this complicated. I didn’t want to be feminine, I just wanted to be a girl. I was a tomboy who had the luxury of spending my childhood as a boy, so I didn’t have to wrestle with the kind of gender policing bullshit that tomboyish girls had to go through. Instead, I only had to go through an acute kind of body dysmorphic disorder related to going through puberty into manhood when which was the last thing I wanted. I can’t even imagine how much worse my experience could have been if religion had been lumped in there with it. I grew up in a family that did not practice religion but promoted free thinking, so I didn’t have to wrestle with any theological implications of being transgendered. I imagine if I had, I likely would have committed suicide a long time ago.

Coming out as transgendered and coming out as atheist were surprisingly similar processes. In childhood, around age five, I just knew I wanted to be a girl, and I just knew I didn’t believe in God. But as I grew up, and society had its opportunity to fill my mind with doubts, I buried the transgender feelings deep within my psyche, and I tested the waters with religions because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. The first religions I experienced were Christianity and Judaism, and neither of those looked upon sexual deviance with any favor. I settled on Wicca because it seemed to be pretty relaxed about gender, viewing male and female as opposing and equal forces. However, I was angry that I had to be transgendered. If there was a God, then why would such a being create a person such as myself who would be so absolutely miserable in the shell which had been (presumably) crafted for me? No, there was no loving and just God, not when there was so much misery and suffering at once in the world and within my own mind.

Religious institutions are powerful, and powerful enough to shape the very psyche of the culture in which we live. These monolithic powerhouses demand conformity and obedience over personal liberty and happiness. The social draw of religion is strong. Whether an person is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, or suffer from socially taboo maladies like clinical depression or bipolar disorder, or is atheist or questioning religion, it takes a brave and determined individual to be able to stand up, come out, and say “I choose to be who I am, not what religion or society says I’m supposed to be”.

Being transgendered shaped absolutely everything about me, yet to spend ten years of my life more-or-less in a closet of my own devising by not being out and open about being trans, I’ve wound up in a similar kind of isolation and self-loathing that I experienced when I was still a guy and silent about my gender dysphoria. So here, now, ten years after my life-changing experience at the Fair, I come out again. I’m fortunate to have gotten through this process relatively unscathed, but for the scars on my forearms and memories of emotional pain. I did not have to endure exacerbated psychological scarring from a religion which would condemn me to an eternity of suffering before seeing me as a transgendered person at peace with myself. I’ve learned that there is far more diversity and community than I ever could have dreamed of when I was still petrified and in the closet, both in the queer community and atheist community. I’m glad to be a part of both of them.

I am an atheist. I am transgendered. I suffer from clinical depression. These things do not make me weak, they make me who I am. The sooner we can eliminate the taboos imposed upon society by backward religious dogma handed down throughout the centuries, the sooner we can all strive toward healthier, happier, brighter lives.

Category: Focus on Religion, General, Lifestyle, Opinion, Religion | Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Astrid Lydia Johannsen | November 23, 2011
One comment

That Blue Time of Year

Here in the United States, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And with it comes a time of year that I don’t exactly look forward to. While I am indeed one of those atheists who balks at the Christmas season, it is not the holiday that I’m talking about. It is the winter blues that makes the season so particularly unbearable for me.

[Trigger warning: Self harm.]

I’ve written about my depression in previous posts, but I don’t think I mentioned just how severe of an impact it has had on my life. I have suffered from the mental illness of clinical depression for all of my life, and every winter when the daylight wanes and the skies turn grey, my depression becomes ever more severe. Depression is a dullness that lingers throughout the whole body. It’s like listening to the world through sound-blocking headphones. It’s like seeing the world through lenses that make everything monochrome. Depression is feeling numb every minute of every hour of every day and not being able to do anything about it no matter what kind of concentration or effort is mustered. In high school, I took up the desperate habit of cutting my arms with razor blades just so I could get a brief respite from the seemingly inescapable grip of depression. And four times in my life I have attempted suicide because of depression. Though I’ve abandoned the cutting, I still retain the scars of my coping mechanism. The depression lingers, and I must find new and more constructive ways of dealing with it.

I read an article recently about a study claiming that regular religious service attendance staved off depression in post-menopausal women. It would have been nice for the demographics of the study to be a little broader, but it was enough to get me thinking about why it might be the case that regular religious services would help to prevent depression. Most likely it is not the religiousness that treats the melancholy, but rather the social interaction. As an atheist, I don’t exactly have a kind of social group that gathers on a weekly basis in the same way that many religious folk do, although for a while after I graduated from the University of Oregon I did attend weekly meetings of the university Alliance of Happy Atheists. That did meet my need for regular social interaction as well as my preference for being in the company of like-minded folk. However, I left the group for a couple of reasons. The first is that I was no longer a student, and the second was that even if I was still a student, the age difference between myself and the majority of the group members was enough to make things socially awkward for me. Given the choice between staying at home with my cat or attending a group in which I was feeling increasingly like the odd one out (probably an artifact entirely of my imagining), I opted for the company of my cat in a decision that could only be seen as the early stages of becoming a reclusive and crazy old cat lady.

Isolation only helps to reinforce the numbness of depression, and with the longer nights and greyer skies, the added challenge of seasonal depression rears its ugly head. I don’t take anti-depressants because I’m concerned about how they will affect my creativity. The only time I was ever on anti-depressants was sometime during or immediately after high school, and they dropped me into a catatonic stupor. So the tools I use to fight against the formidable foe of depression are the following: better nutrition, adequate exercise, my full-spectrum lamp, and my fuzzy kittycat. I’m also forcing myself out of my apathy by forcing myself to do things which involve more human interaction. Going to the patisserie for a coffee and cheesecake, joining a local writer’s group, or even making regular visits to my local rock climbing gym (which is something I’ve yet to actually go do).

Depression is an indiscriminate disease which hits atheists and believers alike. In my case, the key to beating it (or at the very least, managing it), is to have a social safety net of friends and allies who (and this is the key part) live in the same city as me and can be available when I need some emotional support. The internet is a wonderful place to communicate with folks, but it is a very lousy place to find help when I am feeling depressed, or worse, suicidal. However finding a local social circle, especially as an atheist, can be a serious challenge. It’s one among a handful of other issues I have (which I won’t get into here) that discourage me from seeking out friendships in my local community, and thus feed the isolation that breeds more depression.

For now, I take solace with my online cohorts. Though as fun as they are, they aren’t an adequate substitute for a live, in-person pub buddy who will be there for me to have a pint and share sorrowful (or mirthful) stories.

Category: Focus on Religion, General | Tags: , , , , , , ,
Elizabeth Knapp | August 22, 2011
One comment

Death: Perspective (Part 2)

In Part 1 I explained the perspective of death as it relates to loss. In Part 2 and 3 I will explain the perspective of death as it relates to us personally, as individuals. At some point in our lives we realized that we were not immortal–that soon it will be our turn to disappear forever, as we have witnessed a loved one or pet. The fears and apprehension associated with this realization are what give religion so much leverage (especially what has kept Pascal’s Wager alive and well, despite its obvious logical flaws).

All of us at some point may have imagined how we would like to die; also, how we would not like to die. We also wonder if we will be missed, if anyone will cry, and how many people will attend our funeral. However, at least in my experience, the most crucial questions are, “Have I been the best that I could be?” and “Will I be remembered?” No one desires to go to their death bed with regrets of things that were not done, opportunities that were not taken, or a purpose that was not fulfilled.

And of course religion will tell you it has the answers to these questions! And of course the answers are exactly what we want to hear. The reason why the Bible and other religious texts are excellent at catering to human fears, apprehensions and questions so well is because they were written by beings that understand mankind’s deepest desires (and yep, you guessed it—that being is none other than man).

Will you be missed? Will anyone cry? Not for long, because everyone will meet again in heaven.*
“Have I been the best that I could be?” If you follow god and his commandments, your death will be reassured with the words, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:23) Even in Islam there are verses that tell of deeds that will be recognized by Allah (Al-Jumu’ah 62:8) and compensated for (Ale-‘Imraan 3:185).
“Will I be remembered?” Not only will you be remembered—god will write a book about you (Psalms 139:16—in Islam, Al-Jaathiyah 45:28-29 ) and your name will be written in the book of life (Luke 10:20—as far as I know, not a part of Islam).
From these examples we can see why this afterlife would be so appealing, and why wishful thinking would take affect. Not to mention the rewards of anything else we want (Fussilat 41:31-32) or singing and dancing for all eternity… if you are into that kind of stuff. Hey, to each his/her own.

Naturally, all of these religious claims beg the question. Most skeptics and free thinkers have come to terms with the difference between evidence and faith. So what do we nonbelieving infidels have to look forward to? Definitely not anything these religious books have to say about us—that is for certain.
Is it possible for us to die in peaceful bliss, with something more concrete and reassuring than the myth of heaven? Well, there are a few things. They will be discussed in the conclusion, Part 3.

*note that the preachers preach that the unsaved will be condemned, but at a funeral everyone (including the preacher) assumes without a doubt that the person is heaven-bound (the exception, of course, is Westboro Baptists)

Category: Lifestyle, Religion, Religious Recovery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Ellen Lundgren | July 23, 2011
5 comments

Norway’s Tragedy and Accepting Multiculturalism

My heart goes out to the victims of the tragedy in Norway, as I covered a very similar event in my own city just two weeks ago.

Yesterday a Norwegian native man bombed a government building in the capital of Oslo. Seven people died, and dozens have been injured, mainly by flying glass from the windows blown out around the streets. The same man continued to Utoeya island where about 600 youth ages 13-30 were camping for a Labour Party youth movement gathering. The 32 year old Anders Behring Breivik was wearing a police uniform and telling people, “It’s OK, you’re safe, we’re coming to help you,” and then shooting them at close range. Teenagers ran, and scattered, many heading to the water and trying to swim away or hiding behind boulders on the beach. When it ended, 85 were dead, and many wounded.

Aftermath of the bombing in Olso, Norway.

Insights into the lessons we should be learning from these events are covered in this CNN opinion article by Brian Fishman a counterterrorism researcher. One of the things pointed out was the changing method of instilling terrorism. For me, the scariest change is this:

Terrorists kill for two basic reasons: They want to disrupt and destroy institutions or symbols of a political order they despise and they want to intimidate people not touched by the attack directly. For years, bombs have been the most useful tool to achieve both goals: They were the best way to kill a large number of people and get a lot of media attention. But that may be changing. The increasing availability of automatic weapons makes mass killing easier, even by a single individual. And the speed and pervasiveness of media coverage means that the community of people watching any sort of violent attack is massive, whether terrorists use bombs or firearms.

Looking back into my reaction to these events, I can see why this method is changing. When I read about the Oslo bombing yesterday afternoon, it was sad. But news about bombings have been common for so long, the only oddity about it was that it was targeted in Norway and not in the hotbed of wars in the Middle East. But this morning when I began to read the reports from survivors of the attacks on the island, I began to tear up. A shooting is such a personal attack. This isn’t just some anonymous terrorist placing some explosives and leaving. This was a personal attack. It was not some group or entity claiming responsibility. This was one man mercilessly shooting people he disagreed with.

A wounded woman is brought ashore opposite Utoeya island. (via Svein Gustav Wilhelmsen/AFP/Getty Images)

This type of attack is so much more personal than a bombing, and it is indeed terrifying. Just when I was getting so sick of the use of the term terrorism is when it seems this method is just beginning. But just as this is a personal attack, it’s also a personalization of the terrorists. This takes off the mask of the organization and reveals them as a fellow human. And I think that can perhaps be a step in realizing that these injustices are done to people, by people.

Nevermind that this guy is a fundamentalist Christian. He is a person, who was upset at the growing multiculturalism in his country. (Something I am jealous of, btw… what are the naturalization laws like in Scandinavia?) I am not condoning this man’s actions whatsoever. But I believe that we need to reintroduce an understanding that terrorists are people. People who have gone too far… but people nonetheless, and people who need help. We should begin to recognize those who have these sorts of issues sooner and take steps to help them before something like this happens.

I think that multiculturalism means we should accept and include everyone, including those who disagree and are perhaps mentally ill. Mental illness is one of the features of humanity that people still have a misunderstanding of and still tend to isolate as “too” different from us. But as you can see, ignoring these differences can lead to enormous damage. And we shouldn’t allow that to happen to anyone.

Category: Current Events, News | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Dave Muscato | July 19, 2011
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Allow myself to introduce… myself.

Hello all!

You don’t know me; my name is Dave Muscato, I’m an atheist, and I’m one of the new writers for Skeptic Freethought.

First off, I want to thank Ellen and the other writers for giving me the chance to contribute here.

Let’s get to it: I’ve been racking my brain for a few days trying to think of a great topic for my first post, and I finally decided that the most appropriate topic would be… an introduction. I think that if I’m going to write for you, it’s only appropriate that you know where I’m coming from and why you should bother reading what I contribute.

So, this is ol’ atheist me:

Just kidding, of course. There are some atheists who make that face, but I’m not one of them. Actually, I’m a vegetarian, I have two kittens, I love to read, and I play classical guitar music and jazz bass. I like yoga, running, hiking, biking, road trips, ancient languages, and hugs. I’m a student, a feminist, and an LGBTQ ally & activist. I do fundraising consulting for non-profits, and I volunteer at a local animal shelter.

Actually me

I’d like you to think of me as your neighbor, you know, the guy who lives in the apartment down the hall and dog-sits when you go away for the weekend. If you see me while you’re out & about, say hi!

I recently wrote an article on my own group’s blog with ideas to help other atheist group leaders. In it, I stressed the importance of a getting personal during and outside of meetings, of opening up to each other and bonding as friends. I’m vice-president of my school’s atheist group, and I also study anthropology – the study of people. One area in which the atheist community simply does not compete with religion is… well, community. If you guys are anything like me, we spend a lot of time looking at cartoons, watching YouTube videos, and reading science books & journals. This is all great; we should strive to expand our knowledge and amuse ourselves. But something is missing.

Just a few short years ago, I was a professional Christian praise & worship musician. I breathed Christ Jesus. I prayed regularly, I studied my Bible, I lead others in worship. I truly believed that laying on hands had healing power. I worried about the souls of my deist parents and my two apathetic brothers. I became obsessed with the Bible, which I knew was God’s Word, and I studied it intensively.

I’ll save my “deconversion testimony” for a future article, but when I started to open my eyes to atheism, I didn’t leave the church right away. In fact, I kept my atheism to myself and continued as a professional P&W musician, leading others in worship, participating in small groups, and performing for an entire year.

I did this because there is more than one reason people go to church, and the “other” reason was strong enough to keep me going, despite the obvious flaws in the rest of it. As I wrote in the article linked above, aside from getting (ultimately incorrect) answers to The Big Questions, people go to church because they want fellowship. It’s a foundational part of being human, and as social animals, we must embrace this. During that year, I was no longer impressed with my pastor’s ideas about the origin of the universe, the meaning of life, what constitutes moral behavior, or what happens to us after we die, but I did – still do – love the music, the sympathetic ears, the encouragement, and the feeling of being among friends.

As an out-of-the-closet atheist and now group officer, although it’s not part of my official charter, I consider it my duty to be available as a resource for other skeptics, especially those still on the fence or still in the closet. Not just for information about evolution, secular ethics, science, and skepticism in general, but as a friend, someone who wants to listen, someone who wants to help them free themselves from the clutches of delusion and welcome them to the real world.

A few people from my group at Skepticon last year :)

If you are out of the closet, I encourage you to make an effort to reach out to people you know. Invite them to your group meetings. Invite them to have coffee with you one-on-one. Invite them to the bar with you and your friends, and don’t talk about religion at all. Invite them to lectures and skeptic’s conferences. If you have friends or know people who are religious, make them a deal: You’ll go with them to church, if they’ll come with you to your skeptics’ group meeting. (It nearly goes without saying that if you’re not already part of a local skeptics’ group, join or start one!). If you need help finding a local group, please let me know and I’ll help you locate one. If you have never been to a skeptics’ conference, find one near you and go!

I look forward to hearing from you all. Have a wonderful week, and take care!

Dave :)

Category: Lifestyle, Religion | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,